四不愁诗
这是楚卿第一次见到这个人。
说是第一次，不准确。该说是正论上的，第一次见到这个人。那之前，自然是她独个偷偷去见过人家。人丛中的一瞥。
她在人丛，她也在人丛。流水里两块鹅卵石。周遭的人流过去了。自己也流失去了。
见过一次，也够了。
现今这一次，却是她自己未设想过，也从未想过要见的。
今次，是这人来找她。甚至备了礼。
楚卿两手空空坐在家里，客从天上来。她刚好冲了茶。茶不算好茶，这更令人不爽。
她没有要为客人倒茶的意思。自己坐在窗边，向那人挥手。“坐。”
那人笑吟吟地把礼物——大约是盒糕点，真蠢——往地上放下，坐在了门边那孤零零的椅子上。 那门边的椅子上，从前坐过另一个人。但都无所谓了。楚卿喝了一口茶。
“黎燕。”那人说。
她是在报姓名。
“楚卿。”楚卿答道。她知道黎燕早知道她的名字。若黎燕不知道，楚卿反而不会答。
那人在望她。
当然在望她。
她也在望那个人。
黎燕生得白。和楚卿一样白。
和楚卿白得不一样。楚卿不爱出外走动，白得像回南天里一大团阴郁不得疏的雾湿气。
黎燕倒是白得疏疏朗朗，像溪流里白色一大块的鹅卵石。溪水再流千万年，也湿不进去一点的。
楚卿忽然就不确定，自己是否真的长得比黎燕要美了。
她清楚自己长得美。美得纯自然而为，蛮横不讲理。就像毒蛇生下来，那层蛇皮就注定了是花色斑斓。
美是美得纯然，可那份纯然也多少会令别人恶心。
至于黎燕，即便不如她美，但美得像个人样。别人未必觉得她楚卿就真比黎燕美。
他未必觉得她就比黎燕美。
倘若他真觉得黎燕比她美……
“纳兰死了。”黎燕笑着，说了一句。
“哦。”楚卿说。
她手上的茶杯一震。
若在从前，这杯茶就该整杯碎了。
她自小有这个毛病。
老母给她留了一身蛊毒功夫，拳脚兵器技艺上却无甚造诣。功力便全蓄在体内，恣肆无出口，她也往往弄不懂怎么控制。
后来，她也就懂了。
可再懂，也不过是到不震碎茶杯这个地步罢了。
“好功夫呀。”黎燕说。
楚卿眨了眨眼，也笑了。黎燕笑话她。或真佩服她——又如何？哪一种，都让她想下杀手。
佩服不一定比嘲笑要来得好。是一种更刻骨的讽刺，倒是真的。
她面上一动，下眼白已随着目光缓缓浮起来，是吊睛白额大虫，凶相毕露来了。
黎燕看她半晌。
忽地一抬手：“我可没带刀啊，楚师傅。”
江湖中人都管楚卿叫楚师傅。
她会下毒，下蛊，手艺纯熟，收价公道，不掺私情。人人都说好。她让别人管她叫楚师傅。
横竖不是“师父”，别人也不介意叫。
可黎燕也这样叫她。她想黎燕死。
“带了也没用。”楚卿说。
她用手捏住茶杯边沿，却是轻轻把杯放下了。清脆一声响。“虽然以你的功力，若是带刀来，我这不识多少拳脚功夫的，怕是立时已被你剁了头了。”
“是哦，”黎燕接道，“但在那以前，在我刚走进来的时候，也就已经中了楚师傅的蛊了吧？楚师傅一死，我也就即时死了。”
“蛊多不压身。”楚卿像是被她逗笑，面上却没有笑。眼睛一点一点凝回来，散开成一片黑。“别紧张，有杀心和下杀手，也是两回事。反正估摸着，我近几年还不见得会死。阿黎多的是时间写遗书。”
阿黎。
她口快了。
她不要说这个名字，她宁愿拔掉自己的舌头但也早已来不及——
但她厌恶极了黎燕也叫纳兰做纳兰。她的心存心要报复，她自己眼睁睁看它出丑，阻拦不及。
纳兰有名字。
只是，她们都不叫。
她们就叫他纳兰。都叫他纳兰。
纳兰死了，她们也都知道。黎燕为什么来找自己，楚卿不知道。
或许她也知道。她知道自己都干了什么，但不知道黎燕知道她干了什么。
但至少，黎燕确实知道纳兰做了什么。
纳兰来向楚卿求情蛊。
常规情蛊，一子一母。母蛊便由求蛊者自种在体内，子蛊则下在那些倒霉鬼身上。被下了子蛊的，定会钟情于身上有母蛊的。
这都是常规的情蛊了。
纳兰给自己的母蛊已经种上。
子蛊却没有下。
楚卿想，他是下不了手，还是不敢下？
但无所谓了。他已经死了。黎燕却找上门来。
——那情蛊，本就是为她求的。
“不想杀我，也不想死的话……”楚卿问，“你来做什么？”
阿黎。
纳兰就是这么叫的，“阿黎”。
“他的尸体，你藏到哪里去了？”黎燕偏头，问。
她还在笑。
轰隆。
楚卿回过神来的时候，身边别说杯子了，连桌子都已全碎了。
她撇了撇嘴。
楚卿是个毒物。心思曲折，情绪却往往并不藏。藏来也没用。是要杀的，就要杀，是要死的，就要死。
露了情绪，也不见得就要杀了。藏住情绪，也不见得就能不死了。
这些事，都无所谓。
楚卿不为这些事犯愁。
她为她的桌子杯子还有茶犯愁。想必不会有人来帮她收拾。
楚卿抬手看了看自己的掌心。上面有尘灰木屑，脏了她一只手。
她往上面吹了一口气。
缓缓看向门边坐着的人。
“黎燕，你倒敢问出这样的话。”
“原来你知道我的真名啊——”黎燕依旧坐着，抬头直望着楚卿的眼。
“楚卿。”
双目对视。
这时候，楚卿倒不想杀黎燕了。她气急，却不至于败坏。
黎燕像是也明白。依旧还是那副笑脸。
她想起纳兰是怎样说“阿黎”的。说她笑得清风霁月，好似仙子。
仙子啊仙子。你的仙子现在笑着来问我，把你的尸体藏到哪里去了。
这算什么事呢。楚卿心想。
她望向窗外。
现在正是夏末秋初的时候，外面刮北风了，而还没有雨。太阳半光不光，只吹得一阵阴燎燎的风。这种风吹得人眼睛干。眼睛干就出眼泪。
再是内力深厚，也免不了会有这样的事。
楚卿盯着很远很远以外的一只鸟，用力眯了一下眼。她想起来，纳兰到她家来的那一晚，是下雨了的。
他没有打伞。
她也没有让他进屋。
他就站在门外求她。一声声地求。那时候，她觉得他恶心。哪个人求情蛊，求得这么一声声的，哀苦凄切。求情蛊的多的是浮浪之徒，浮浪才多情才妄图钟情。她也从来好说好说，钱到手了随你们的便，善缘恶缘也无所谓，她不想那些积不积阴德的事。
但他不浮浪。江湖里一等一的正经人。
然而，就是这样一个人，却来求情蛊。要凭着蛊让另一个原不爱他的人爱他，钟情于他，一生一世。
现在，楚卿也觉得他恶心。
那晚的雨很大，撇湿了窗。湿了他的头发。黑发从上往下淌水，像落水狗，也像一尾 巨大的鳞片湿亮闪光的鱼。他就从那两边黑发里，透出一双眼珠子，往外望她。
仿佛要就这么淹死在雨里。
楚卿开了口：“这样。你把你的左手砍下来予我去炼药，我便把情蛊给你吧。”
他说：“我没带剑。”
她笑：果然如此。
他说：“你的门是什么木做的？”
她说：“问这个干什么？”
他答道：“我把手往门上折断了，给你吧。”
哦。她说。
“滚。”她站到门前，望着他。
他看着她。他的头发滴水，湿到颊边唇角，几乎像是要开口。他开口，那水就要滑进去了。最终他没有再说一句话。
他走了。
她知道他没有走。
第二天天放晴了，她把情蛊放在门边。装在一个白瓷罐子里，瓷面上画着青色的花。
楚卿很喜欢这个罐子，是她从一个死人那里得回来的。
她没有要求任何东西。他拿着那罐子走了，悄息息地。他们都再没有多说一句话。
还好他没有留下他的手。
她想要的并不是他的手。
“怎么了，你连他是怎么死的都不知道，就关心起他的尸体来了？”楚卿回头向着屋内笑。
那确实能算是一个笑，她在这一刻忽然觉得开心。仿佛刚刚一掌击碎了桌子与桌面上的茶杯和茶的人并不是她。
“你就知道他是怎么死的了吗。”黎燕说。
“那得看阿黎你想不想我知道了。”楚卿说。
从人群中远远地望过一眼黎燕之后的第三天，纳兰又来找她了。
楚卿想，他是要来送礼。
果然。
他带来草药。擅毒者往往亦擅医术，江湖惯例。她想问他是不是发瘟，来给她送草药。
还未问呢，他已拿出那草药来。草药装在红色的罐子里，模样形状多少似她装了情蛊送给了他的那个罐子。
然而这个是红色的，扑面而来一阵她从没经历过的陈厚喜庆年月的感觉。红色上面雕金花。这次她真的想说他是发瘟。
纳兰说：“这个可以……润手。”
楚卿摩挲自己的手。她几乎就要爆发出一阵大笑来，但终归是没有。她的手。唉，她的手。
她的手是她身上最不美的一部分，白倒是白，指尖却经年累月地发紫。指纹掌心里还皲裂出细纹，那点紫色也浸在那细纹里。
因为她懒，不愿像她老母教她的那样，摘些什么动物的胎盘来做手套再炼药。她和老母说，做那种手套，影响动作，而且这点接触上的毒早毒不死她。
老母说，以后你就知道。
她是知道了。可老母早死了十来年了。
现在纳兰送她不知道哪个名门山庄产的润手草药膏，来护她那双千疮百孔了的蜘蛛手。她想，他是故意恶心她？但他不可能在那一晚就看到自己的手。
但还是在恶心她。
什么名门润手草药膏，他能买来这样的东西送她，未尝不能买去送给那黎燕。或许他买过了，可是没用。或许他就没买过，只来问她求情蛊。那些名门山庄可不弄情蛊，弄得满手紫毒还脱皮。
如果他买过，送过给黎燕，还只能算他没用。如果他没买过，没送过，径来向她求情蛊，那么算他没种。贱人一个。
楚卿收下了那罐东西。
她不擅长拒绝，无论是别人的好意还是恶意。好意她就收，恶意她就找个机会杀了，从来如此。
而这一次，她不在乎他是好意还是恶意。
他就坐在那进门处的椅子上。好一会儿，他们没有说话。楚卿也没有冲茶。
半晌，楚卿开口了：“你可想好了。”
纳兰抬头。
“我比她要来得漂亮。”
楚卿说完了。
然后她等着。
等他说话。或者等着，手一动，牵动蛊虫，便也就杀了他。
他微微地笑了，却没有望着她，只望着这屋内的一个点，仿佛那里站着一个只有他能看到的人。
本是人的，被他这样望着，便也是鬼了。
“楚姑娘，是比阿黎要美。”
她扣住自己的指甲。再用点力，便活生生撕下自己一块表皮来。无所谓，无所谓——
“更美。”他说完了。
他再没说话。
而她忽然地像是胸膛里往外松了一口气。是啊，是的。美貌这种无价之宝，在不为所动人的眼里，一文不值。无价无价，有时候便无在此。
她有那等美人的通病：恨别人只看见自己的美，恨别人看不见自己的美。
他都看见了。
他都看不见。
无论如何，此际她是杀不了他的。
她往后，向椅子上一靠。
“动手吧。”她说。
他的眼睛转过来。好黑的眼，像两枚铁钉，钉在他自个身上。
“动手吧。下蛊吧。你已经给你自己下了蛊，我知道。只要你敢动手，她当然爱上你。”
那可是我最好的一批蛊。她说。她笑，抬起手来，撑在脸边。
手指上淌下血来，她没知觉似的，任由那血一路淌到手腕，到手肘。
现在，他看到她的手了。方知从前没有买错货吧。
纳兰的眼顺着那血，从她的发紫的撕破了皮的手指尖一路往下。血淌到了手肘处，他
站起身来。行了个礼，说：“嗯。”
然后他说，再会。
嗯。再会。
嗯什么嗯。动手，不动手，一句话的事。嗯，算是什么呢。
他们也没有再会。
纳兰死在三个月后。
“阿黎，你到底是想我知道，还是想我不知道？”
楚卿问。
“那要看——楚姑娘，你是怎么个知道法了。”
黎燕把一边腿搭在另一边腿上，双手放上膝头。
楚卿看见那双手。
她发现那双手并不如黎燕的脸白，有些晒黑了，指甲全都修得贴肉。盯着那双手，一秒，两秒。她想，这人起手就可以杀人。她见过，她知道，这类人的手是怎么样的。
“楚姑娘”。
唉。真好啊，纳兰。对着黎燕，倒是不必买什么草药润手露了吧。
纳兰向黎燕说过她的什么，她是已经没兴趣知道了。
“你又知道什么？”楚卿问。
“我知道他死了。”黎燕说。
“那你想我知道什么？”
“他的尸体在哪。”
“哈哈。”楚卿笑道。“你连他的尸体都找不到，却又知道他是已经死了？” 黎燕的手在一瞬之间握成了拳。
脚没有动。依旧坐在那椅子上。鞋踏着的地面隐隐裂出纹路，黎燕面上再也不笑了。不笑，那张脸便像沉进了光里似的，一片的煞白。
楚卿也没有动。
这室内万蛊千毒，不是常人能看得到的。万一楚卿动手，弄破她一点皮肤，或当场七窍流血而死，或脾脏碎裂而死——那么多的死法，她也不确定先起效的会是哪一种。
“动手吧。”她说。
一如三个月前，她向纳兰说的那样。
黎燕没有动手。手松开，回复到轻放在膝上的状态。
楚卿叹了一口气。
为什么他们总是不动手？为什么他们都不听她的话？
为什么呢。
黎燕又笑了起来。这一次，露出了牙齿。
白嘶嘶地，楚卿有点明白纳兰为什么爱她。
她说：“你没有杀他，我看出来了。”
“你什么都看不出来。”楚卿抬了一下肩膀。“然后，看出来了，还不滚？”
“因为你还没有回答我一开始的那个问题：他的尸体，你藏到哪里去了？”
楚卿咧嘴。
这次，她手边再没有东西可以被她拍烂了。再这样下去，她又得扣断自己一个指甲。她可没有用那名门润手露。
话不投机半句多。快点结束吧，不论是怎么样结束的。都好。
“你怕了。”楚卿说。她再没有心情问问题。直截了当地说了吧，不出家人也不打讹语。
偏偏黎燕不顺她意，果然话不投机半句多：“我怕什么？”
“你明知道他活着时没对你下蛊。但如今，你怕那尸体在我手上，万一我替他动手，对你下了那子蛊，你便从此爱上一具不知道在哪儿的尸体。”楚卿说。
她没有加上一句“我说得没错吧”。不需要再问，她知道黎燕在想什么。某种意义上说，她们心意相通。
心有灵犀一点通。通了，一边下毒，两边死灭。只是谁下的毒，又还说不清。
黎燕没有说话。
她的脸，彻底沉进光里去了。
今日是一个大晴天，楚卿透过那点晴光，看得清黎燕的脸，看不清黎燕的表情。
“其实，你怕得有理。一具尸体，只要还没彻底化了灰，体内的母蛊就还不会死。我若是真如你所想的那样，藏起了他的尸体，还对你下子蛊，你就会爱上一具你连它在哪里都不知道的尸体。”
楚卿说。
黎燕还是没说话。
“现在的问题在于，你想知道的，其实是——我到底有没有替他下蛊，这件事吧？” 黎燕的手平摊开，撑住了自己的身子。她的腿已放下来了。或许她想走，或许她要留，或许她要杀了楚卿——楚卿都无所谓。
因为楚卿说着说着，忽然就说通了一些事。
于是她继续说，语速越来越快，几乎要就这么说得大笑起来。
“其实，你完全可以不必管这件事。只要你一日没爱上那尸体，你就一日用不着怕。你又不敢杀我，那么左右是阻止不了我对你下蛊，还怕来做什么？这道理简单，你也不会自寻烦恼吧。”
楚卿说。
她学着黎燕的样子，歪了一下头。“但你却怕得直奔我门上，刨根问底，连可能会被我趁此下蛊也再不顾了。阿黎，你告诉我。你怕成这样，莫不是……”
你当真爱上了那具尸体？
怕的是，我其实并没有对你下蛊？
过了好久，也可能只是一须臾。
外头的太阳仿佛要就这么落下去，但它还照着这间屋，照在楚卿的脖颈上。照得那一小片皮肤发烫，从背脊到颈椎到后脑，一路燎上去，翻起一层又一层的凉。
只这么一须臾里，她想起从前的自己做过的那么多的事。未必包括这一次做的事。
阳光就像水流一样，从她的颈背后淌下。好似有人伏在她背上哭，泪都滴到她颈上。
这里没有人在哭。光天化日，大好的日子。
她们两个的脸，在这水一样荡开的光里，当真像是两块白得发亮的鹅卵石了。没皮没血肉，尽是一身的骨。白色的骨，赤裸裸地浸没在这里。滴溜溜转。
其实也没有多少事。
都随波而去了。
终于，黎燕眨了一下眼。
褐得有点金的眼散开成一轮，像琉璃或猫或大蛇，或别的不知道什么东西。总之楚卿不觉得那东西像什么仙子，但明白纳兰为何爱她。
不如不明白。
黎燕叹了口气。“其实我应该就在这里杀了你。哪怕你会毒死我，也没什么。”
“动手啊。”楚卿说。
“但我发觉，没什么了，都没什么好愁的了。这些事，随他去吧。”
她敛起自己的裙，站起身来。
黎燕起身的那一刻，楚卿忽然感觉自己白费了一张桌子。这感觉让她皱眉，牙咬到腮肉。一口咬下去，血就流出来。
咸味的甜味的血，淌到舌底与牙缝里。
不，没有什么是白费的。什么事都合该有此一劫，那张被拍成灰屑的桌子是，那具没人知道是怎么死，而只有人在问“藏到哪里去了”的尸体也是。
确实，也就随他去了。不去，又如何？
坐在这椅子上，楚卿觉得自己像一具随风化开去的骨头。飘飘袅袅地，无所从来，亦无所去。
黎燕已走到了门槛边上。最后，她回了一下头，向楚卿说：“我送的礼，可要掀开来看看呀。我自己都没舍得吃的，现在是真没机会吃了。”
说完，她走了。
她们没有说再会。
心有灵犀一点通。通一下，即犹如七窍流血。都被毒倒在此生路上，而又都不说。
“都被你放到地上了，我还怎么吃。”楚卿轻声说。
这是一个大晴天，她却莫名听到雨滴声。
那滴水声，一点一滴地，让她想起从前的一个又一个夜晚。夜里浸多了毒的手会痛，从骨髓里痛出来，撕心裂肺地，然后就这么痛着睡着了。老母让她练字，活动指骨，她说那不如说是劳累指骨。
她还想起老母曾经在练字时，一笔一画写下的一首诗：
我所思兮在太山，欲往从之梁父艰。侧身东望涕沾翰。美人赠我金错刀，何以报之英琼瑶。路远莫致倚逍遥，何为怀忧心烦劳？
我所思兮在桂林，欲往从之湘水深。侧身南望涕沾襟。美人赠我琴琅玕，何以报之双玉盘。路远莫致倚惆怅，何为怀忧心烦伤？
我所思兮在汉阳，欲往从之陇阪长。侧身西望涕沾裳。美人赠我貂襜褕，何以报之明月珠。路远莫致倚踟蹰，何为怀忧心烦纡？
我所思兮在雁门，欲往从之雪纷纷。侧身北望涕沾巾。美人赠我锦绣段，何以报之青玉案。路远莫致倚增叹，何为怀忧心烦惋？
楚卿那时候就站在旁边看着，想，何故写得如此入木三分，几近情深意重？
这可不是一首情诗。
老母说：世上有哪首诗不算情诗？
楚卿知道老母在骗人。
老母一辈子没钟情过谁。她说，这世上只有一身功夫，才真是你的东西。其他你要的，都得靠这个去得来了。
她说，你知道了吗。
那时候楚卿笑她，说，反正你这辈子想要的也就是那套蛊毒功夫而已，连拳脚刀枪什么的也都不要了。
老母再没说什么。她把这一身功夫都传给了楚卿。
她说，楚卿天赋高。总有一日，什么都知道。
我知道了，我全知道了。
这一刻，楚卿想。
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